The Dork Knight Rises
by Mallobaude
Summary: When The Hunts-Man is captured, he thought it would be business as usual. But what he expected to be a typical Roman Torchwick monologue turned out to have life-changing consequences for both him and his villainous foes.


Jaune struggled and pulled at the ropes which bound him to the chair, but to no avail. He was stuck. Trapped. Captured. At the mercy of the evil-doers who had defeated him in battle.

"Muwahahahaha!" the charismatic laughter of Roman Torchwick sounded. "Foolish Hunts-Man! You have fallen right into my cleverly laid trap, and now you are at my mercy!"

Indeed he had. The fact that Roman had just confirmed Jaune's situation made him feel better inside. Jaune had never been the brightest bulb in the room. So to know that he had perfectly assessed his situation lifted his spirits. After failing that math quiz in Professor Goodwitch's class last week, he needed all the good news he could get. It still bothered him that Glynda was handing out math quizzes. Strangely enough, only to him. There was something fishy about the whole situation, but he couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"So I have, Roman," The Hunts-Man snarled in a low, gravelly tone. So unlike his normally high-pitched voice which could sometimes be mistaken for female when he screamed. "So what is it you plan to do with me now that you've captured me?"

The flamboyant criminal rubbed his hands together in glee. Or at least attempted to. He had to set his cane down first, leaning it against the wall before he got to do the deed with his hands. And no, not in a kinky way. "What do I plan to do with you? Oh my dear Hunts-Man, all sorts of wonderful things. So many delectable delights which you can't even imagine. Finally, once and for all, I shall put an end to my arch nemesis!"

That didn't sound good. In fact, it sounded the opposite of good. Bad, even. And Jaune didn't like bad things. "I'll never talk," he stated defiantly. "No matter how much you torture me. Even if you break my fingers! Or use the Mistrali water torture technique! I am a vault whose secrets shall never be spilled!"

The villain's body recoiled. "Physical torture?" Roman asked, sounding appalled. "What is this, medieval Remnant? There are laws against such practices. Cruel and unusual punishment is unconstitutional, as is the quartering of Valean soldiers in the homes of citizens. Which doesn't really matter anyway, since Vale doesn't have a standing army."

Indeed they didn't. It's a wonder Atlas didn't just come in and occupy them as revenge for The Great War. "Then... what?" Jaune asked.

"You see, my tasty little Hunts-Manwich, I am going to do the one thing which will be worse than death. I... am going to unmask you!"

Jaune's heart skipped a beat, and a cold sweat began to form on his skin. "No! Anything but that! If you unmask me I can no longer live this facade of trying to be cool! I won't be a symbol anymore! Being a symbol is what makes me more than a mere man!"

Roman laughed maniacally as he stepped closer to his captive. "Yes, and now I shall slowly and dramatically raise my hand so that it may remove the concealing mask which hides your true identity!"

The hand crept forward. Inch by inch. It was torture in its own right. Jaune struggled with all his might to escape Roman's wiggling fingers, but the chair had no wheels.

"Any second now," Roman said as his digits crept ever closer. "Almost there..." Suddenly an annoying beeping sound filled the room, and Roman reached into his pocket to fish out his scroll. "Oh for the love of bowler hats. Her Evilness is requesting my presence for a meeting concerning her nefarious plans. Clearly this is preventing me from crossing those final few inches and tearing that mask off of your little teenage blonde head. Punctuality, my Pyrrha's Heel!"

Jaune felt as though he had just received a stay from his own execution. "So... does this mean we'll have to do this another time? Maybe we can schedule another dust shop robbery for next Tuesday?"

Roman shook his head sadly. "No, the show must go on. I won't be long either. These meetings are usually just my employer blabbing this and that about power and burning things. However, villain tradition dictates that you must be treated properly. As a hero who has been captured, you are required to listen to a monologue about our motives and morals."

Roman was correct. It was in the superhero handbook. Probably the super villain one too, if they had a handbook. But they didn't, because they were bad guys. They were too cool for rules. "But if you're not going to be here..."

"Oh don't worry about that. I have the perfect substitute in mind. Neo!"

From shadows Neo descended upon the room to take what Roman stole. From shadows Neo claimed her destiny, the Hunts-Man who wasn't free.

"My partner in crime shall attend to you during my absence," Roman said as he patted Neo on the shoulder. "It wouldn't be proper villain form to just leave you waiting for me to come back. I think you'll find Neo is more than up to the task."

The tiny woman in question nodded, a confident smirk on her face.

"Well this is unusual, but if you say so, I'll just have to trust you." Jaune thought about what he just said about trusting the ne'er-do-well who had him imprisoned. Maybe this was why Glynda was giving him math quizzes.

"Don't worry, I'll be back shortly. And then we will proceed with the unmasking." He turned his attention to Neo. "Until then, you know what to do."

She nodded happily.

Roman left, shutting the door behind him and leaving Jaune alone with Neo. For tense seconds they just stared at each other. "So who talks first?" he asked, quoting a movie which while not very original, still had its charms that made it work. "You talk first? I talk first?"

Neo hunched over to look at him on an eye to eye level. Which for her just meant slightly bending her knees, because even when Jaune was sitting down he was still almost taller than the pint-sized villainess.

Heh, pint-sized. Get it? Because a lot of ice cream comes in pints.

"Okay. It looks like I'll have to get this started. What is it you plan to do with all of the dust you're stealing? Who's the mysterious boss you and Roman work for? Why does Banesaw wear the mask?"

Neo stepped back and gripped her stomach as she chortled silently. Her arms lashed out dramatically, simulating a massive explosion.

"You're going to use the dust on an underground train network running from the ruins of Mountain Glenn to Vale?" Jaune gasped.

Neo grinned, nodding in confirmation. Her arms then retracted close to her body, and she formed claws with her hands like a little kid pretending to be a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Considering her size it wasn't much of a stretch. Her teeth were barred, showing perfectly white enamel not at all marred by ice cream cavities.

"And you plan to lead an army of Grimm through the tunnel to attack Vale after creating a giant breach in the boundary separating the city from the tunnel?"

The girl nodded once more. Her arms flew up in the air and her face contorted with fear and anguish as she began to prance around the room, running back and forth aimlessly for a few seconds before stopping.

"And the Grimm will attack the people of Vale, prompting the kingdom's council to ask General Ironwood's army to step in and act as security for the upcoming Vytal Festival?"

Her hands rubbed together evilly, because obviously that was something which evil people did. Jaune didn't need to hear words to know that what Neo was saying was absolutely true. Her miming skills were on par with the very best of Vale's street performers.

"I see," he whispered with bitter resignation. "And just what is it you plan to do with me now that I've learned all of your deepest and darkest secrets? Clearly this information is too valuable to keep me alive."

Neo nodded. She pointed to him, and then brought the finger up to drag it across her throat.

"You... you want me to buy you a necklace? But we aren't even dating."

The evil grin on Neo's face slipped off. Her hands rose and began to wave wildly as she shook her head.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," Jaune said quickly. "I must be having an off day. Let's try again?"

A set of pink and brown eyes rolled before Neo once more began to pantomime. She pointed to Jaune once more.

"Okay. Me?" he asked.

She nodded. Placing a soft kiss on the palm of her hand, she brought it down to her backside before waving at him with her other hand.

"You want me to kiss your..." Jaune started before his eyes went wide. "N-Neo! I know Roman isn't here right now, but that's lewd!"

The woman's eyes went wide as she once again shook her head fervently. Shock soon turned to anger, and she clenched her fist before making a stabbing motion to her chest. She pointed to Jaune, and repeated the stabbing motions over and over again.

"You're saying that being around me is like being stabbed in the heart?" Jaune whispered. "Neo... I had no idea you felt this way about me."

She threw her hands up in the air, her head tilted up as she silently mouthed a few words Jaune couldn't quite make out. It was obvious this confession had taken a lot out of her. It must have been incredibly difficult to put herself out there like that. To allow herself to be vulnerable. The least Jaune could do was let her down gently.

"Look, Neo," he said softly. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it." The eyes of his arch foe lit up with shock. "You're a beautiful young woman. You're so short, and I gotta admit, I like that in a girl. Have I ever told you about the time I was rejected by another short girl?"

Neo didn't reply. Not that she could do so verbally, but this time she didn't even bother to give any kind of physical reaction to his words.

"She was very mean and irritable. Probably only one step away from walking the path of villainy like you are. Her father controls one of the most powerful companies in the world, so I could easily see her becoming one of those corporate takeover kind of villains more interested in economic domination than actual world domination."

The girl across from him was literally shaking with rage now. It hadn't been Jaune's intention to make her jealous. Jealous of another short girl. It was clear as day on her face. He knew how much women despised each other. He had grown up with seven sisters, after all.

But all he could do now was be truthful with the girl who was pining for him.

"I'm not trying to make you jealous or anything," he admitted. "It's obvious I don't need to do or say anything else to win your heart. But as long as you're helping Roman try to kill people, I could never pursue a serious romantic relationship with you. However... if you did decide to abandon your life of crime... maybe we could give it a shot."

Neo stepped toward him and grabbed him by the collar. They said that jealousy was the green-eyed monster. They couldn't have been more wrong. Right here, in this moment, jealousy had brown and pink eyes. There was murder in those eyes.

"O-or maybe not," he followed up quickly. "You know, some of the greatest superhero relationships in history have been between a hero and a villain. Batman and Catwoman. Spider-Man and Black Cat. Blake and Adam... now that I think about it, why do so many of these types of relationships involve people with a cat motif?"

One of those eyes of hers had begun twitching. It was adorable in a way.

Jaune looked away, lest he be tempted by the short woman's pouty face. "So... statistically speaking, you should probably have some sort of cat gimmick if we want this thing to work. Not that I'm saying it _would_ work, but it'd certainly help your chances."

Neo finally seemed to snap, as she grabbed his chin in one of her hands and forced him to look at her. She seemed to be moments away from losing all control. Who knew how many innocent people would die tonight if Neo's rampage went unchecked?

Jaune sighed, resigned to his fate as a hero. As a man who had to sacrifice himself for the greater good. "Well, if you really insist I suppose I have no choice."

With zero hesitation, he leaned up and kissed her.

* * *

Roman was tired, and he hadn't even done anything. Sitting through one of Cinder's meetings was more exhausting than battling teenage punks down by the docks. But now finally, and mercifully, he was back home. In an old abandoned warehouse teeming with rats. It was funny how all the lien in the world meant nothing when he couldn't actually spend it on himself. He couldn't buy a nice house with a white picket fence. He couldn't even go out and do things in public lest he be arrested. But hey, such is life.

He pushed through the door, ready to resume his session with The Hunts-Man. Hopefully Neo had shown his nemesis a good time. It wouldn't do to unmask a man who wasn't in the moment anymore.

As he stepped inside, what he saw and heard shocked him.

Neo was straddling their prisoner, her hands clenched around his neck. She was squeezing with every ounce of her strength as she shook the boy's head back and forth.

"Neo!" The Hunts-Man struggled to say through gritted teeth. "I can appreciate you have a choking fetish, but BDSM just isn't my thing!"

Roman blinked. He had no idea what he had just walked in on. He didn't want to know either.

He decided he'd give them another five minutes of privacy before breaking up the party. If Neo had needs, who was he to tell her no?

* * *

 **Author's Note:** Just a short, dumb little story, something I entered for my Discord server's monthly writing contest. It tied for second place. So I thought I'd publish it here.

Hopefully you all liked it.


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